a few words on pedestrian rage

A few months ago I started walking to work. My office was doing a fitness challenge and I figured walking the 5-mile round trip to and from the office every day might boost my performance to a non-embarrassing level of activity. (Which totally worked because I won one week’s challenge - woot!)

At first it was all sunshine and smiles. I got a little Vitamin D glow on my naturally translucent skin. Lost a few pounds. Even became acquainted with an adorable older couple I walked past every day. Unfortunately, I also discovered my long dormant pedestrian rage.

Here’s the thing, I like rules. I think most rules exist for a reason. I also believe that life is full of unspoken rules. Things that don’t need to be pointed out, they just are and the world spins smoothest when people respect them. Below are just a few commonsense pedestrian rules that everyone should follow. And if you don’t follow them, the world will tilt, my head will spin and you will bear the wrath of my evil stares and terrible sighs.

1) Walk on the RIGHT side of the sidewalk. Don’t make me do that awkward, side-to-side “which way should I go” dance. I know which way I should go. I should stay on my right and you should go to yours. And you better not do the “I’m not going anywhere, you have to move for me” routine because you will have to jump over my head or go between my legs before I switch over to the left side of the sidewalk for you.

2) Do not walk in a mob. Look at it this way - If you were driving somewhere with a group of friends and you had to take two cars, would those two cars drive side by side taking up both lanes just because you’re friends and going to the same place? Nope, didn’t think so! So tell my why it’s okay to do on the sidewalk.

3) Bikes do not walk. They should not be on the sideWALK. Have you seen some of the sidewalks in DC? They’re tiny. A lot of them are cobblestone or brick. It’s a wonder pedestrians are not tripping over each other and causing human pileups on a daily basis. It’s dangerous enough out there, please don’t add your dinging bells and wheels to that mess. Especially in a city that has designated bike lanes! You have no excuse! And one more thing - do not ding your bell at me and tell me to get out of your way. I am on the RIGHT side of the sideWALK.

That is all. Thank you.